Topic: sins of the family.

[kyo]

NOTE : I only adding the topic today. The story itself is coming in a day or so.
Posted on: March 04, 2008, 08:50:16 PMchapter one: (un)welcome greetings

Planet uru 6:57pm

fornlorn ship beautiful dream was making planetFall. today was the usual routine : Go after baddies, confront baddies, defeat/kill baddies, collect reward. The pay is great... If you can take down the biggest crime lords on the most wanted list. Today fornlorn, went after a Harem master. Harems are legal but this fellow kidnapped his women. Busting him was quite a feat, but It is done and Now fornlorn Has a nice big check coming his way. Usually fornlorn would go home and sleep, but tonight was a very special night. Fornlorn walked to Mr.Invader castle. Mr. Invader and Fornlorn Did not have good history together, so thank Goodness his wife Mrs.Invader was Fornlorn Paymaster. He has to see her After he change from Bounty hunter to gentleman. Fornlorn reach his room inside the castle and change into a black tux than he Examine himself in the mirror. green hair, Horns, fangs, yup he a Oni,Well half Oni anyway. fornlorn was now waiting for his date to Arrive when He heard laughter. seems like Mr. Invader has company over. Kyoto ! Mrs. invader said as she floated in the air with uncertainly. Oh Hello Mrs. Invader, How are you On this Night ? kyo ask With glee in his voice. I'm very happy while very concern she Quickly Answer. "why ma'am are you Concern" ?   " I'm concern over the fact that My son-in-law is here."

this mark the end of part one of chapter one... BY the way If you comment on this page please don't call me Kyo, Call me either Kevin,tom. or Kane but not kyo.

The next part going to star Ran... as kyoto date ! Trust me, I konw what I'm doing.

[UruseiNeo]

Pretty good, Kevin. Your grammar is so much better than the first chapter I read from the other story.

When someone is speaking, you should try to put " " around their speech to help the flow and make it easier for people to realize someone is talking.

[kyo]

Pretty good, Kyo. Your grammar is so much better than the first chapter I read from the other story.

When someone is speaking, you should try to put " " around their speech to help the flow and make it easier for people to realize someone is talking.

I keep that in mine, Uruseineo But i was not finish the chapter yet, My computer Broke down and it save the info.

[sidzero]

I'd like to throw in some advice myself, to help readability. Actually, I don't know if it's so much giving advice, as pointing out certain rules of English grammar.

1. Paragraphs. Use them wisely. Instead of just running everything into one big block of text, you have an enter key, use it. Paragraphs are usually separated by the fact that each contains a distinct thought, and expansions upon that thought.

2. Dialog. Individual speakers. As a general rule of thumb, when writing dialog, each individual speaker gets a separate paragraph for each block of quotations. Also, except in some cases, it's a good idea to separate where someone is speaking from other paragraphs. Usually when they're not separate, it's because the paragraph is describing actions taken while the quotation is being said, or a general description of the speaker.

3. Verb Tense. Past and present. It's a good idea to indicate a verb tense in your writings, and generally keep them consistent throughout. Keeping this consistent will greatly help readability. Don't use "is" one second, and "was" the next, unless there's a good reason. If you're switching from present to past tense in order to illustrate things that have happened in the past as opposed to what's currently happening in your story, then it's acceptable, otherwise the reader can't get a sense of time.

I've also noticed you have a habit of capitalizing random words. There is no need for this. Capitals should really only be used at the beginning of sentences, at the beginning of a name, or when using "I".


Posted on: March 06, 2008, 04:22:55 PMI'm not going to make a general habit of this, because I do have plenty of other things to do with my time (I have a creative to-do list going, and with all the projects I have running, I really don't have the time or patience to do this often), but I'm going to help you out this one time. Here is a decent edit of what you've written:


Planet Uru, 6:57 PM.

Fornlorn's ship, "Beautiful Dream" was making planetfall. Today was the usual routine: Go after baddies, Confront baddies, Defeat/kill baddies, Collect reward. The pay is great... if you can take down the biggest crime lords on the most wanted list.

Today, Fornlorn went after a Harem master. Harems are legal, but this fellow kidnapped his women. Busting him was quite a feat, but it is done and Now Fornlorn Has a nice big check coming his way. Usually Fornlorn would go home and sleep, but tonight was a very special night.

Fornlorn walked to Mr. Invader's castle. Mr. Invader and Fornlorn did not have good history together, so thank goodness his wife, Mrs. Invader, was Fornlorn paymaster. He has to see her. After he changed from Bounty Hunter to Gentleman, Fornlorn reached his room inside the castle and changed into a black tux, then examined himself in the mirror. Green hair, horns, fangs, yup, he's an Oni. Well, half Oni anyway.

Fornlorn was now waiting for his date to arrive when he heard laughter. Seems like Mr. Invader has company over.

"Kyoto!" Mrs. invader said as she floated in the air with uncertainly.

"Oh, hello Mrs. Invader, how are you on this night?" Kyo asked with glee in his voice.

"I'm very happy while very concerned" she quickly answered.

"Why ma'am, are you concerned?"

"I'm concerned over the fact that my son-in-law is here."


I kept "Fornlorn" because I assume you're using it as a name for this character (though he seems to have a few). But just to note, if you're using the actual word, it's spelled "forlorn". I didn't change it because names can seem like misspellings of regular words, and still be correct.

[UruseiNeo]

That was nice of you to do, sidzero ^_^

[sidzero]

Yeah. It happens sometimes.

[UruseiNeo]

I like ur new Avatar, Kevin

[kyo]

I like ur new Avatar, Kevin

thanks
Posted on: March 09, 2008, 05:27:47 PMChapter 2 :If you only knew....


"So there no way out of here without seeing yourson in law." kyoto whispered to mrs. Invader. For the first time in over two years kyo was going to see shutaro and lum mendo and to be frank He did not want to see them ever again.

"No I  afraid that you have to walk really fast." mrs. Invader said. Sure she was glad that her daughter was home, but was it worth seeing  kyoto hurt expression ?

but before mrs. Invader and kyoto could get their bearings together they was spotted by none other than lum herself.

"Mom what are you doing Here with this baka ?"  lum question her mother while staring at kyo with eyes full of hate.

"What do you mean by that lum ?" mrs. invader said, now looking puzzled.

" I mean why is he Here ?"

  " I LIVED HERE !!!" kyo shouted with his own brand of fury, fury that scared both lum and mrs. Invader

Now lum Look at kyo with surpise. Why is she mad with him ? Maybe because she felt nervous about her plan to reunite them. Over two year ago, she carve kyo horns off (in oni custom that was a instant divoice to have one mate cut off the other mate horns). Now in Retrospect she wished she could have stop that, but she here To ask for him to forgive her so they can begin anew.

" look I'm going on a Date with Ran, I Will be back"  Kyo said rushing past mrs. invader and lum.

lum said to herself "if only you knew darling how much I love you."

end of chapter two.


Chapter 3 will contained ran,oyuki,shinobu,rei,megane,lum storm troopers, and more.

[sidzero]

You know, if it were me in this kinda situation, I'd tell Lum to get rid of Mendo before even thinking about getting back together. If she couldn't take the risk of losing both for the chance at getting the one back... then she had no business trying to get the one back in the first place. More than anything, it would prove that she actually wanted him back.

But that's my take on things.

[UruseiNeo]

Did that say Lum MENDOU? NOOOOOOOOO!!!

[kyo]

okay let clear some things up:

kyo has three names ? well.... Kyo is short for kyoto so it really dont' matter if you can call that two names but the other one, Forlorn, is kyo bounty hunter codename. It serves as a new Idenity, so when he wants to get some anger out...

by the way here is how he looks

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v494/Ashura5000/0350c0e3.png[

the lum/mendo thing be explained later along with kyo/ran

one more piece of info: I has no idea how a oni can divoice so I remember a fanfic in which ataru cut off lum horns and he get married to elle or kuruma than they wage war on the onis

it was a pretty F@ck up fanfic

[UruseiNeo]

sweet pic

[sidzero]

So he's a mirror image of the second (and only dead) Robin from Batman?

[UruseiNeo]

Was wondering why batman's face was appearing in the helmet. I thought he looked like spiderman (at least the head) with it on.

[kyo]

So he's a mirror image of the second (and only dead) Robin from Batman?

no only using the constume