Topic: sins of the family.

[kyo]

NOTE : I only adding the topic today. The story itself is coming in a day or so.
Posted on: March 04, 2008, 08:50:16 PMchapter one: (un)welcome greetings

Planet uru 6:57pm

fornlorn ship beautiful dream was making planetFall. today was the usual routine : Go after baddies, confront baddies, defeat/kill baddies, collect reward. The pay is great... If you can take down the biggest crime lords on the most wanted list. Today fornlorn, went after a Harem master. Harems are legal but this fellow kidnapped his women. Busting him was quite a feat, but It is done and Now fornlorn Has a nice big check coming his way. Usually fornlorn would go home and sleep, but tonight was a very special night. Fornlorn walked to Mr.Invader castle. Mr. Invader and Fornlorn Did not have good history together, so thank Goodness his wife Mrs.Invader was Fornlorn Paymaster. He has to see her After he change from Bounty hunter to gentleman. Fornlorn reach his room inside the castle and change into a black tux than he Examine himself in the mirror. green hair, Horns, fangs, yup he a Oni,Well half Oni anyway. fornlorn was now waiting for his date to Arrive when He heard laughter. seems like Mr. Invader has company over. Kyoto ! Mrs. invader said as she floated in the air with uncertainly. Oh Hello Mrs. Invader, How are you On this Night ? kyo ask With glee in his voice. I'm very happy while very concern she Quickly Answer. "why ma'am are you Concern" ?   " I'm concern over the fact that My son-in-law is here."

this mark the end of part one of chapter one... BY the way If you comment on this page please don't call me Kyo, Call me either Kevin,tom. or Kane but not kyo.

The next part going to star Ran... as kyoto date ! Trust me, I konw what I'm doing.

[UruseiNeo]

Pretty good, Kevin. Your grammar is so much better than the first chapter I read from the other story.

When someone is speaking, you should try to put " " around their speech to help the flow and make it easier for people to realize someone is talking.

[kyo]

Pretty good, Kyo. Your grammar is so much better than the first chapter I read from the other story.

When someone is speaking, you should try to put " " around their speech to help the flow and make it easier for people to realize someone is talking.

I keep that in mine, Uruseineo But i was not finish the chapter yet, My computer Broke down and it save the info.

[sidzero]

I'd like to throw in some advice myself, to help readability. Actually, I don't know if it's so much giving advice, as pointing out certain rules of English grammar.

1. Paragraphs. Use them wisely. Instead of just running everything into one big block of text, you have an enter key, use it. Paragraphs are usually separated by the fact that each contains a distinct thought, and expansions upon that thought.

2. Dialog. Individual speakers. As a general rule of thumb, when writing dialog, each individual speaker gets a separate paragraph for each block of quotations. Also, except in some cases, it's a good idea to separate where someone is speaking from other paragraphs. Usually when they're not separate, it's because the paragraph is describing actions taken while the quotation is being said, or a general description of the speaker.

3. Verb Tense. Past and present. It's a good idea to indicate a verb tense in your writings, and generally keep them consistent throughout. Keeping this consistent will greatly help readability. Don't use "is" one second, and "was" the next, unless there's a good reason. If you're switching from present to past tense in order to illustrate things that have happened in the past as opposed to what's currently happening in your story, then it's acceptable, otherwise the reader can't get a sense of time.

I've also noticed you have a habit of capitalizing random words. There is no need for this. Capitals should really only be used at the beginning of sentences, at the beginning of a name, or when using "I".


Posted on: March 06, 2008, 04:22:55 PMI'm not going to make a general habit of this, because I do have plenty of other things to do with my time (I have a creative to-do list going, and with all the projects I have running, I really don't have the time or patience to do this often), but I'm going to help you out this one time. Here is a decent edit of what you've written:


Planet Uru, 6:57 PM.

Fornlorn's ship, "Beautiful Dream" was making planetfall. Today was the usual routine: Go after baddies, Confront baddies, Defeat/kill baddies, Collect reward. The pay is great... if you can take down the biggest crime lords on the most wanted list.

Today, Fornlorn went after a Harem master. Harems are legal, but this fellow kidnapped his women. Busting him was quite a feat, but it is done and Now Fornlorn Has a nice big check coming his way. Usually Fornlorn would go home and sleep, but tonight was a very special night.

Fornlorn walked to Mr. Invader's castle. Mr. Invader and Fornlorn did not have good history together, so thank goodness his wife, Mrs. Invader, was Fornlorn paymaster. He has to see her. After he changed from Bounty Hunter to Gentleman, Fornlorn reached his room inside the castle and changed into a black tux, then examined himself in the mirror. Green hair, horns, fangs, yup, he's an Oni. Well, half Oni anyway.

Fornlorn was now waiting for his date to arrive when he heard laughter. Seems like Mr. Invader has company over.

"Kyoto!" Mrs. invader said as she floated in the air with uncertainly.

"Oh, hello Mrs. Invader, how are you on this night?" Kyo asked with glee in his voice.

"I'm very happy while very concerned" she quickly answered.

"Why ma'am, are you concerned?"

"I'm concerned over the fact that my son-in-law is here."


I kept "Fornlorn" because I assume you're using it as a name for this character (though he seems to have a few). But just to note, if you're using the actual word, it's spelled "forlorn". I didn't change it because names can seem like misspellings of regular words, and still be correct.

[UruseiNeo]

That was nice of you to do, sidzero ^_^

[sidzero]

Yeah. It happens sometimes.

[UruseiNeo]

I like ur new Avatar, Kevin

[kyo]

I like ur new Avatar, Kevin

thanks
Posted on: March 09, 2008, 05:27:47 PMChapter 2 :If you only knew....


"So there no way out of here without seeing yourson in law." kyoto whispered to mrs. Invader. For the first time in over two years kyo was going to see shutaro and lum mendo and to be frank He did not want to see them ever again.

"No I  afraid that you have to walk really fast." mrs. Invader said. Sure she was glad that her daughter was home, but was it worth seeing  kyoto hurt expression ?

but before mrs. Invader and kyoto could get their bearings together they was spotted by none other than lum herself.

"Mom what are you doing Here with this baka ?"  lum question her mother while staring at kyo with eyes full of hate.

"What do you mean by that lum ?" mrs. invader said, now looking puzzled.

" I mean why is he Here ?"

  " I LIVED HERE !!!" kyo shouted with his own brand of fury, fury that scared both lum and mrs. Invader

Now lum Look at kyo with surpise. Why is she mad with him ? Maybe because she felt nervous about her plan to reunite them. Over two year ago, she carve kyo horns off (in oni custom that was a instant divoice to have one mate cut off the other mate horns). Now in Retrospect she wished she could have stop that, but she here To ask for him to forgive her so they can begin anew.

" look I'm going on a Date with Ran, I Will be back"  Kyo said rushing past mrs. invader and lum.

lum said to herself "if only you knew darling how much I love you."

end of chapter two.


Chapter 3 will contained ran,oyuki,shinobu,rei,megane,lum storm troopers, and more.

[sidzero]

You know, if it were me in this kinda situation, I'd tell Lum to get rid of Mendo before even thinking about getting back together. If she couldn't take the risk of losing both for the chance at getting the one back... then she had no business trying to get the one back in the first place. More than anything, it would prove that she actually wanted him back.

But that's my take on things.

[UruseiNeo]

Did that say Lum MENDOU? NOOOOOOOOO!!!

[kyo]

okay let clear some things up:

kyo has three names ? well.... Kyo is short for kyoto so it really dont' matter if you can call that two names but the other one, Forlorn, is kyo bounty hunter codename. It serves as a new Idenity, so when he wants to get some anger out...

by the way here is how he looks

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v494/Ashura5000/0350c0e3.png[

the lum/mendo thing be explained later along with kyo/ran

one more piece of info: I has no idea how a oni can divoice so I remember a fanfic in which ataru cut off lum horns and he get married to elle or kuruma than they wage war on the onis

it was a pretty F@ck up fanfic

[UruseiNeo]

sweet pic

[sidzero]

So he's a mirror image of the second (and only dead) Robin from Batman?

[UruseiNeo]

Was wondering why batman's face was appearing in the helmet. I thought he looked like spiderman (at least the head) with it on.

[kyo]

So he's a mirror image of the second (and only dead) Robin from Batman?

no only using the constume

[UruseiNeo]

I see, so you didn't use a robin template?

[sidzero]

If I were a bounty hunter in a sci-fi story like UY, and I were picking out a costume based on a character from some other series, I'd have went with Boba Fett instead of Jason Todd. Actaully, if I was gonna go with a more comic-book-y type of costume, I'd have probably used something more like this one of Magneto's:



Or perhaps maybe something a little more like Gambit's (circa X-treme X-men):




DC characters don't really have a lot of style in my opinion.

[kyo]

funny gambit was my second choice...but i think jason is good because it hads two masks

[UruseiNeo]

Why'd u put the same pic up twice?

[sidzero]

If you're talking about me, I didn't. It works for me. If it doesn't for you... go here:

http://www.uncannyxmen.net/db/spotlight/showquestion.asp?faq=10&fldAuto=130&page=11
Costume #7

http://www.uncannyxmen.net/db/spotlight/showquestion.asp?faq=10&fldAuto=83&page=9
Costume #6

[UruseiNeo]

o, were those links? I thought they were supposed to be pictures. That would explain why they look the same cause its from the same site. Anyways, I got them now, thnx.

[sidzero]

They were pictures, just the ones I pointed out on the site (that's where I got them from, I guess remote picture linking isn't allowed, and the pictures are only showing up for me cause they're in my cache).

[kyo]

I would like to thank sidzero, and uruseineo, For the help with my fanfic.

I want to explain the story the best I can, So here we go ( I pray this whole thing Come out right).

Kyoto is a half-oni, His mother who is never named, (who is a mirror image of ataru mother, only younger in her early 20's) Dies while giving birth. His father is a Outlaw with his own family, so... My character is a bastard, Just great. }:|


Okay so since kyo Mother is a only child, Kyo get to lived with his grandparents. His grandfather is a martial artist, while his grandmother is a university teacher, meaning this kid know things and can do things a normal person has to work and train their butts off to do.

 Fast forward to second grade, where Kyo lose his grandparents in a car accident with a police officer. now kyo has no one to take care of him. (also this is unheard of, but the judge allowed kyo to live by himself but only under strict tenants, this also means kyo have to make sure no one see him using his oni powers)

In order to look "more human" kyo use a Black wig and employ the  Meisner Technique  when he out at school or any social gathering, but when alone kyo have green and horns like a normal oni (also he look like ataru ... in order to fit in with the whole "new universe").

Okay he meet shinobu in high school, and they begin to date, but no matter what they do it was awkward, they realtionship ended when kyo reveal his oni side during a fight with Biker gangs, despite this turn of events, Kyo and shinobu remain close friends

After that lum arrives, Lum main reason for entering Tomobiki is to prove to her father that she tough, so with benten,Ran,and Oyuki she rob...Tomobiki high school (that is kawail   if you ask me)

A funny thing happen, kyo took each member down (it was not easy)
when he defeat lum, He reveal he was a oni, and she fell in love with him.

I tell you what happpen later...

[Akazukin]

Screw the backstory... On with chapter 3.

Chapter 3: Festival of lights

Kyo turned around; if he can reach his ship without any 'Blocks' than maybe the night can be saved'.'Kyo, get in Here!' Screamed Mr.Invader.  Damn, will the distractions ever stop? Kyo walked into Mr.Invader den to see the person he hated in the entire universe'Shuutaro Mendo.

'Kyo, long time no sees, how's life?' Kyo didn't respond, he was staring into the eyes of his enemy, a long time ago they was friendly rivals, Shuutaro would challenge Kyo from baseball to boxing and kyo would complete just because he thought mendo was 'playing' around, God how a naive trusting fool Kyo was.
'What do you want?' Kyo said in a firm voice that echo Mr.Invader 'Take it easy, me and my beautiful wife came to formally invite you to the Mendo family festival of lights.' Kyo's eye twitched Shuutaro travel across the universe just to ask him if he wanted to go to a party, how thick you can get. 'Well what do you say?' 'I say, you can take that festival and Shove it up your-''whoa, see? That the reason you're not married anymore.' 'I thought the reason I was not married anymore, was because you spread rumors about me hating Lum.'

Shuutaro place his hand on his sword, Kyo reach into his tux jacket for his gun, at the moment both wonder whatever it's true 'about using a Knife in a gun fight.'  'Darling! What are you doing?' Kyo turned around to see Ran, in a pretty red dress. 'Ran, I'm so sorry about our date, it was Shuutaro fault!'
Kyo pointed his finger to Mendo. Ran walked over to kyo and kiss him. 'That make little ran very happy with darling, you haven't forgotten about our little, wittle date.' Ran said with uber kawailness.

'Oh Mendo, This is Ran-'but Kyo was interrupted by Shuutaro. 'I know who the hell she is, I want to know *how* did you two meet, and how can you kiss her without losing your y-youth?  Kyo walked back to mendo and place his left hand on mendo shoulder and raise his right hand over his heart. 'A gentleman NEVER kissed and tells.' After that, Kyo walked with Ran out of the den, but stop and said to mendo, 'You're on with that Festival mendo.' Than kyo and Ran left planet uru laughing.

 Okay that was hard, Finally Introduce Ran. Damn she was hard to write for O.O
Next chapter is going a week after this one,



Posted on: April 19, 2008, 08:09:30 PMI hadn't updated in a while, so I don't know, I'm bored and I need feedback on my writing, due to school being out, I want to make sure I'm better.*)

Urusei Yatsura X:  Sin's of the family Chapter 4:
Inner (sinister) thoughts of the prince of tomobiki!  The suspense of the people of tomobiki grows! (Mendo and ran P.O.V)

So it's begun. Moroboshi-san is here, and he brought the ever lovely Ran. Let's see what my notes say about their relationship: They been together for 52 weeks, six days, 2 hours and 18 minutes Impressive, on account of his luck with women.
Let's see he wearing a sweat jacket with a hood, guess he didn't want anyone to recognize him.
But today I invited him here to end his misery. I invited him to end his suffering of losing his love. I'm going to end his life, so his honor to his family is restored. This may sound cruel, its isn't, it's just that when you look at it he basically need to die, what purpose is he going serve the universe yet alone the world?
He has nothing to live for, no friends, no family, nothing. He just be another person that will just turn to crime'like his father. Oyo-to the kira.
I just hope that lum will see what I'm doing is to help him.

Ran P.O.V

'Darling we here among your friends! Enjoy yourself!' Damn, he never smile even when it good for him. His birthdays never smile. He was rewarded for taking down a major crime boss in another galaxy-not even a smirk. I guess I can see why, he among people he know but really didn't knew. They all looking for him not to remember good times but to see if any rumors are true. 'Man, I heard Kyoto was finally going show himself today.' Meagane said while in a group of boys I recognized as lum stormtroopers, 'Yeah I wonder how he look now? He could be tall and lanky by now.' A girl said. 'I heard that he became a bandit and had affair with Benten'' one guy let in 'That not true, he probably not even here.' Shinobu snap at the others. 'Wow! You're pretty popular huh darling?' I said in my cutest voice. 'What was that ran?' shinobu question. Nothing shinobu-Chan! Just talking to darling.'

'Darling'Kyo is that you under the hoodie?'  Shinobu question shift her to see under the hood.



'You know shinobu, you was always the brightest of the class, you're never ditzy or was a complete air-head, you was just'you.' Kyo remove the hoodie jacket all together, the crowd gasped.  'M-M-MAN!'  Meagane stammer as kyo walk by. We are about to enter the mendo estate, what surprises are in store for us?

Chapter Five: a surprising team up - a scavenger hunt made form hell! (Mendo, lum, and kyo P.O.V)

'Ah, my guests! Welcome to the Shuutaro family festival of lights! Seven days of celebrations, games, food, and music. We also have the spectacular fireworks of lights!' The crowd erupted in cheering and clapping, it is great to see that they going be having fun. 'Now we must team up with our partner so we can begin'the scavenger Hunt!
(Kyo P.O.V)

'A scavenger's hunt! Oh he does not how easy this is going to be.' I said with a huge smile 'Darling, you finally smile, what can make you this happy?' Ran chirp 'Because my Love, I am a bounty hunter, it is my job to hunt people down, that' why I am happy, he just don't how easy this is going to be for us.

(Mendo P.O.V)

'The team-up is going like this: Meagane and I are team 1, Chibi and perm is team two. Ms. Sakura and Onsen mark is team three.'

An hour and twenty six minutes later'

 'Team 116 is Ran and shinobu while the final team is'Lum and Kyoto. 'Wait a second darling, me-and him is going to be a'team?' lum angrily said with electricity dancing around her body.  'You act if that a bad thing.' kyo said in a much harsher tone

'It is!'

'No, a bad thing would be your kitten getting killed, or that your house was set on fire or being left to die on a sinking ship with no way out. Now that would be bad.'

Everyone paired up me and lum said our goodbyes. We all got into two seated cars'But Lum and kyo did not.

(Lum P.O.V)


We're flying.' I said with disgust but deep down I could fly forever.

'Fine.' (Kyo)

'Also hold the duffle bag. We�re going need it for the hunt.' (Lum)

'Okay.' (Kyo)

'Don�t get in my way either.' (Lum)

'Oh, I won�t get in your way, but you have to promise you won�t get in mine.' (Kyo)

'Is that a joke Moroboshi-san?' (Lum)

Does it look like I'm joking lum?' (Kyo)

(Kyo P.O.V)

Lum stood quite for a few minutes. 'Do we have a deal Lum-Chan?'

'Yes, we have a deal.' She said with defeat.

I smiled, turning my head toward Ran I blew her a kiss; she did the same in return.

'Keep up!' I said with glee, as I shot off the ground with a burst of speed. I look down toward them lum was knock back on the ground; she got up and shouted some words that I couldn't make out.  I chuckle and flew toward the items on the list: A bow, arrows, baby, chocolates, wine, and cheese.

'If you a boy and girl team, a picture of the team members kissing, if a same sex team, you must have a picture of your partner kissing another man/woman. After you acquire the entire list meet at the abandon hospital for the next game.'

I couldn't believe such a silly scavenger hun was the reason everybody was so pump up for, hell I was pump up for it!

Oh well, might as well do it.

Wow, glad Those two chapters are done O.O