Topic: For the Relationship Challenged

[UruseiNeo]

This post is mostly for Tass.

Not all girls are like that! I ONLY fall for boys who are already good friends of mine. Girls like this are rare though.

I don't use msn anymore unless I have really something important to tell someone. Otherwise, I don't even appear as offline. I used to log on just to see "my ex" avatar. I was that crazy for her.

My problem used to be (and sometimes it still is) that I planned everything. Like think of possibilities and figuring out what to do if they happened. Of course that some possibilities were too far away from the truth and this is what brings me down because I had all those expectations and in the end none of them were even near of being corresponded. To solve this problem is live every moment, instead of planning and build expectations. Like, if she sends you a text message, you reply normally and continue doing what you were doing at that point where you got a message and so on.

At msn, you can stop logging in if you want to. If you like msn that much you can still use it while trying to forget about someone. I wouldn't recommend to erase her contact. Whenever she starts the conversation, just act normal, don't try too hard to keep the conversation alive. Just let it flow. Don't try to plan the conversation, don't try to guess what she's going to say. That will only create expectations which leads to disappointment.

That's what I do and it works. You will eventually get over her but slowly. At least it won't hurt no one. Also, if you try to meet new people, hang out more with friends, look at other girls, etc. this will make you forget about her more easily.

This is what I do and I don't regret it.

Good luck, Tass.

yeah, I agree that works. I still took her off msn though cause it helps forget about her but at the same time if she has a reason to talk to me she can still talk, cause I didn't block her... at least I think I didn't 0.0?

Although I'm still having trouble with finding someone who likes me. Shouldn't there be some sort of signal guidebook?

[Tassadarh]

Well... first of all thz cata for the post ^^ sometimes I'm in a really bad mood and I think that my world can collapse in every moment so I become really sensitive at almost everything!
That day was a really bad one. The night before I woke up every hour because it was REALLY hot and I was really thirsty... then I went to school and I had a 3 hour essay test... we thought the subject was the political party of Italy shortly after the unification (the "historical left" and the "historical right") but noo.... the subject was the imperialism! gladly I read a Lenin text about the imperialism on the history book just in case the teacher change the subject at the last minute (lucky... I was really lucky!)... then during the interval I tell to myself "Ok... I have to avoid at ALL cost Glenda (that's the name of the girl, now it's more easy to talk about her!) and his boyfriend... I just can't stand them walking hand-in-hand.... So I go at the upper floor, where I KNOW I can't meet them because their class (and mine) are on the first floor... and guess who I meet? THEM!... I answer to their "hi" but worse they stop because they want to talk.
This sunday we are going to a birthday party of a firend we have in common, and they wanted to know more details about the party... so I spent the interval talking to his boyfriend avoiding at all cost eye contact with her....
Then after school I have to eat something... and fast! because at 14:30 I have the international House course (I learn english there lol)... then after that? is over? NOOOOO... I have theater course at school (yes, I'm an actor too XD). But after that... at 19:00 I have to run to the swimming pool because I have the waterpolo training!! and at 21:00 at LAST I arrive at home and EAT.... Then I look to my phone.. no sms... well I'm a bit sad but maybe she start to forgot me.... then I turn on the pc... turn on msn (I like being "traceable" for my friends)... and I don't even have the time to breathe that she is there saying "hello"... and this is bad... but I'm more happy.
At first I just answer to her question with "yes" or "no"... but I can't resist and after 2 or 3 minute I start a long conversation with her about the summer and the seaside... ythen she stop answering and she put a photo of her and his boyfriend as an avatar... I noticed what I have done (I did my best to keep the conversation alive, a bit miserable...) so I force myselft to stop talking and at least wait for her answer/questions...

Now about forgetting her... is a bit impossible at the time.
I don't know but it seems that I HAVE to meet her (and her boyfriend) in the corridors of the school everyday (maybe the school is to small... or maybe I'm just doing the same route everyday... doesn't matter). She sends me sms almost everyday after lunch (not but today... humm) and if she's online on msn she doesn't even give me the time to log in, she starts a conversation (she's not on today... hummmm).
This sunday we have this birthday party at the seaside, but his boyfriend is there.... and my waterpolo mates are there too... luckly, so I can spend my time with them to keep my mind busy.
But there's more, one of this weekends we (me, Glenda, and some others of my school mates) are going to the bowling, in memory of the last day of the trip at the concentration camps (the last day, we played some bowling).... and worse the next year I'm FORCED to work with her to make some sort of "work" about those concentration camps... and she said she is coming to see my theatrical recitation (most of his classmates are in this project at school)...
I know that is best to forget her... but is too hard right now! during summer maybe (no school) is going to be easy (I think she'll stop sending me sms while she can pass all the time with his boyfriend... who is going to the university the next year) but right now, is almost impossible without acting like a a**hole with her (and I don't want it).
I'm able to "live every moment"... when I'm with her, I really don't care if she likes me or not, she act like she do (she is kind with me, she always want to talk with me and I like to hear what she is saying).. but the thing is... this works only when I'm physicaly with her! Not at msn or the phone, I need to be standing in front of her, or else I feel sad being unable to express what I feel!
Obviously this count only if I'm alone with her or with other friends... when there's her boyfriend I feel like being under test... It's a bad feeling.

BTW Thanks again cata for your suggestions I was already trying to do something like that on my own (or at least I want to do it)

[UruseiNeo]

I have a suggestion; most msn now let you sign in as "offline" so if u do that, u can see who is online and they cant see you, when u long in.

[cata]

Tass:

I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy to ignore my feelings for that special person. The first days of my strategy I ended up messing it up because I couldn't follow it 100%. I always ended up staring and talking. But I didn't give up and everyday I try to follow it. Sometimes I can't help staring and talking but the thing is that I don't get depressed because of it. I even talk to myself "Damn Cata! Stop! Wake up! She's not for you!"

Please, don't avoid her. If you do everything to avoid her, you'll be thinking about her all the time, which won't help forgetting her. You can avoid seeing them together romantically but you should not avoid her.

When they are being romantic with eachother near you and you have no friends that you can focus on, just leave and take a walk. And if you can't leave or focus on your friends, well... Be strong.

I'm a jealous person and I can't stand imagining someone getting together with my crush. I hate it when my friends talk about what happens when they go out: get drunk, dance, flirt and make out. It's not like I'm against it, it's more like guys take advantage of her and I get extremely jealous and protective. Even when my friends talk about sexual relations and relationships, if it comes to her, I just can't take it and leave because I get very jealous.

Being with friends while she's around you is great. Just focus on your friends and you'll do fine.

Good luck. =)

[UruseiNeo]

My friends never tell me that kind of stuff........

...........



T_T

This is why I have so much trouble, my friends don't give me a chance to talk about it

[Tassadarh]

Tass:

I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy to ignore my feelings for that special person. The first days of my strategy I ended up messing it up because I couldn't follow it 100%. I always ended up staring and talking. But I didn't give up and everyday I try to follow it. Sometimes I can't help staring and talking but the thing is that I don't get depressed because of it. I even talk to myself "Damn Cata! Stop! Wake up! She's not for you!"

Please, don't avoid her. If you do everything to avoid her, you'll be thinking about her all the time, which won't help forgetting her. You can avoid seeing them together romantically but you should not avoid her.

When they are being romantic with eachother near you and you have no friends that you can focus on, just leave and take a walk. And if you can't leave or focus on your friends, well... Be strong.

I'm a jealous person and I can't stand imagining someone getting together with my crush. I hate it when my friends talk about what happens when they go out: get drunk, dance, flirt and make out. It's not like I'm against it, it's more like guys take advantage of her and I get extremely jealous and protective. Even when my friends talk about sexual relations and relationships, if it comes to her, I just can't take it and leave because I get very jealous.

Being with friends while she's around you is great. Just focus on your friends and you'll do fine.

Good luck. =)

thz again cata ^^ I really appreciate your support... but anyway I'm an "incurable romantic"! ^^
I just can't live with the idea of "defeat" saying "it's impossible! forget about it!". When the situation is disperate even being a very pessimistic person I never give up (that's strange I know... but the only "pessimistic" thing I do is complaining and saying "damn... it's over! no chances to do it!" but I NEVER give up, NEVER!)... so I still have some hope ^^... maybe not this year... but in the future, when her boyfriend is away for the university... who knows? maybe his boyfriend finds another girl at the university campus... humm I'm acting to much like a jinx right? Maybe...
But the most important thing is... (as I said) it's not really important to get engaged with her... she is kind with me and she "care" about me... I like her attitude towards me... I like spending time with her (even with other of our friends are around)... the only problem is (poor devil..) his boyfriend, it's not his fault.. it's just... I feel "oppressed" in a sort of way... I feel like being watched by an examinator during a test, I can't touch her in any way (... actualy I have never touched her but physical contact is important to comunicate sometime... and girls are easy with physical contact... like hugs or that sort of things), I can't watch her beautiful eyes because I feel like I'm doing something "wrong", that her boyfriend don't like...
Poor Paolo (name of Glenda's boyfriend) he's a good person, not a heartless bastard who usually have extraordinary girlfriend and he don't care about her... He's not even a "cool" guy, he is a bit nerdish... but still he is a good person... ehhh life is very compicated
I have to "survive" till sunday, "the big day" when we go to the birthday party, if I survive to the party, it's over!

My friends never tell me that kind of stuff........

...........



T_T

This is why I have so much trouble, my friends don't give me a chance to talk about it

Err... about what? about sex? :\.... well that's good, if your friends are talking about sex when you're around... my boy you're in a big trouble XD

[UruseiNeo]

I meant relationships in general...

[cata]

Guess that girls' conversations are too different than boys'. xD
Don't worry Neo, we're for you.

[Tassadarh]

well Neo, boys rarely talk about relationship with girls.
If boys don't have a girlfriend, they don't talk about girls because they are sad about not having a girlfriend or they simply don't care.... if boys have a girlfriend, they don't talk about girls because they are "ok" and they simply don't care XD
When boys talks about girls is only to say "Hey, look at that chick!" and nothing more... well that's "normal" I think.
Boys are more in general less sensitive than females... they don't usually express their feeling with other boys, friends are people who you can have fun and go out... but when you have to talk about "serious" things you can't just say "let's talk about girls... I mean the reason why we haven't got girlfriends and bla bla bla"... that's impossible, you have to pick ONE of your friend (the one you trust most and the most "sensitive" in general) and ask for his help, you can now have a "serious" talk.
"in summa", this kind of conversation is not for "everyday's life"... you have to be in a small group of person or even alone with someone you trust a lot and so you can have this kind of serious talk.. when you are in a group of friends (and the aim of the group is having fun) you can't come out with this kind of conversation!
Talk to a small group of person (when the time is right, you can start this kind of conversation.... you can't just summon 3 of your friends and say "talk about relationship with girls"), or to a close friend of yours or (even better) a girl... girls are more used in having relationship with the other sex and surely they know what girls think (at least... they should).
BTW, we are a small group of person who came up with this kind of conversation so... let's talk ^^.
About my situation... well yesterday wasn't soo good... she logged on msn.. said "hi" and asked me to tell me about what happened to me that day and she tried to start a conversation (well.. that's good, I resisted the tentation to say "hi" when she logged on and after she said hi I resisted to start a conversation.. I let her start)... but in the middle of the conversation she logged off without saying anything (maybe the internet connection problems?) and no sms at all... I haven't seen her today (well.. that's not true, I saw her at the beginning of the 1 period but she didn't see me... and tomorrow she have a math test (math test on saturday?... really unluckly) and I know that friday is really a heavy day for her (come home at 18:00)... I'm sure I won't see her on msn and no sms today.
That's not good because she and her boyfriend own me the money for the present of that friend we have in common (7,30 € each!)...
Usually I'm not really interested in money.... well at least I was... some time ago I was well known to make wonderful birthday present... but after that bad experience... I'm not the same anymore.
When they say "ok I'll give you the money tomorrow" and I reply "no problem, you can give me when you want" that's because it's a friend, I don't care... well you at least expect to have the money back in little time... but NO... if they are 10-20 € it's "ok".. they are friends... you can live without 10 €.... but when the debt is higher  like 100 €.... well you start to get a little mad if their name is on the birthday present too! (I mean.. I spend ALL the money to buy a present for a friend... i write the name of who are making this present expecting to "see" the money but NO!.... that's really annoying when they get even all the credit from the person who recive the present while I get just a "thz..." like I'm an idiot who gave only 5 € to partecipate with the present without knowing what is it!!!).
Lol.. ok a bit OT.. but that's all... I think I'm being a little "rude" in this time trying to avoid her and her conversation... while when I'm in front of her I'm really friendly (usually I'm really friendly with any person)... I think she noticed that and she is starting to think "well.. maybe he is just an acquaintance..." I hope is not like that... (that's what I mean when I say I'm a pessimistic person... I always immagine the worst possible possibility XD)
I know I said I wanted to pull her out from my life... but I just can't, not like that and not right now at least...
Well tomorrow is her boyfriend birthday, so I just can't see her or try to have a conversation... and sunday is "the great day".. after that everything will be easier...

[UruseiNeo]

..... What are you planning to do, dude? U keep bringing up "the great day" and I know what it's supposed to be but what r u planning to do then?

Not to be pushy, but my "great day" was the Grad Banquet, it was also the day of confession

So yeah... I'm starting to get suspicious... o.0?

[cata]

When my last crush got a boyfriend, I still loved her and it helped me get her out of my mind because I don't want to get trouble and I guess it was my wake up call.

Right now, I'm on a different situation but it's even harder because I keep getting mixed signals. My crush (let's call her Jane) is open-minded and we talk a lot about many subjects mostly about love, relationships, clubs, boys, homosexuality, jobs, me, her, teachers, classes, news, religion etc. She accepts me and cares a lot about me. We argue a lot but we both know that we love each other (in a friendly way).

I remember that one day Jane said that she wanted to know more and more about me because I'm so different than everyone else and that she never met anyone like me. When I told Jane I'm bi, a friend of mine convinced me (I don't even know how she convinced me) to ask her if she ever felt something for girls before. Jane said no but she wanted to try in the future. This made me daydream. A lot. I still do.

Sometimes it seems to me that she's flirting with me and teasing me. I don't know if I'm seeing what I want to see or if I'm reading her signals right.

I know for a fact that she kissed one friend of ours (female and this friend already knew I like Jane) and it really hurt me because I felt like betrayed from our friend. Being jealous didn't help either. By the way, this friend is bisexual aswell.

Maybe I'm weird but I would never make out or flirt or whatever with someone who's in a relationship or if someone I care about is in love with that person. It's just the way I am, I'm very loyal and respectful.

Sometimes this bisexual friend flirts with Jane and I get extremelly jealous, which makes me go away, which makes Jane angry at me, which makes us argue.

Just to give you an example of this friend's flirting:

Friend (grabbing Jane's chin): I just wanna kiss that mouth!

And then guys come in the picture, too. When Jane and our friends go out, all of them get drunk, they lose control of things, make out with people they have never seen before and in the next day, they don't remember anything.

Maybe I'm just too crazy, weird and jealous. =\

But like, I'm not going to plan, I'm not going to imagine things, I'll just go with the flow because that's the best thing I can do. =)

[Tassadarh]

..... What are you planning to do, dude? U keep bringing up "the great day" and I know what it's supposed to be but what r u planning to do then?

Not to be pushy, but my "great day" was the Grad Banquet, it was also the day of confession

So yeah... I'm starting to get suspicious... o.0?

suspicious? nooo!! you got it all wrong XD
I mean the great day because we are there together (Me, Glenda and Paolo) at this party... and if I'm able to "control" myself, don't do anything stupid and just enjoy the party without getting mad about those two... Everything else will be easier!
I'm not planning to do anything... in fact i'm planning to do nothing! It's hard to be in the same corridor of those two for just a minute, imagine how bad is to be with them for an entire day!
I'm just hoping that I can control myself and not show my feelings for her soo easly. If her boyfriends become suspicious (or worse if she become suspicious) about me, is not going to be fun :\
Humm about your great day... humm day of confession?... what is that?... ahhhh now I remember, that catholic ritual right?... humm here in italy we are catholics too but... is not all that important here... ok is the "first confession" but is only an ordinary day ^^.

Now about cata post:
That's it... I'm in this terrible situation too.. I like her, but she is engaged with this boy who is a friend of one of my waterpolo mates...
He is a good guy and I think they love each other... but... well, It's just that I really like her... actually I don't care if she falls in love with me (well.. I care but not THAT much). She is very friendly with me and I REALLY appreciate that... that's enought for me right now, the only problem is that we don't see each other very ofter (only by some occasional sms and msn conversation... we went out only once and we were at dinner with other people from our school) and that makes me sad... I preefer RL contact, not internet chat and things like that. Ok when you can't be with a person they are great, but not as being flash and bones in front of a person.
Seeing her with her boyfriend makes me sad... ok, maybe I feel a little jelous, but I think that all that saddness came from a bad previous experience:
A lot of time ago, I met a kind girl, we had a lot in common, she was a little tomboy and her hobbies were a lot similiar to mine.
Then I made her met a friend of mine (actually an EX friend)... then we started to go out togheter. At first we had a lot of fun, but then this friend of mine "fallen in love" with her. She had a boyfriend and she said no to the "avances" of this friend of mine... but they were flirting all the time!!! With ME in front of them!
It was REALLY annoying... like if you are going out with a young couple... they keep kissing and flirting... you are like an ornament!!
Then after some deceiving words from this girl (like: "your eyes are beautiful, I never realized it!" or "you are the best person I met in my life!" or "if I have to choose my next boyfriend from you and your friend, you are my first choice!".... come on HOW can you tell such thing to a boy who has never had a girlfriend in his life and you pass most of your time with him?) I tought she was loving me... but I was wrong! she was just a little B***!
Now I think that seeing Glenda and Paolo together makes me remind (unconsciously) that horrible period of my life... It's all different I know but... just seeing them holding each other hands makes me at the same time sad and furious!
BTW after "the bad experience" I learned a lot... I used to be very impulsive... I'm yet impulsive but less then before. My only aim right now is to "control" myself. I'm not planning anything for the future at the moment, no evil plain to "steal" the girl (never done something like that and I think I'll never do it) and nothing like that. I'm just hoping that something luckly happens to me... but my hopes are really humble like a chance to spent some time with Glenda (even with other person... but not her boyfriend, It's impossible to spent time with a girl when her boyfriend is around) or more physical contact with her (friendly hug and stuff like that) that means there's a possibility afterall (actually she just put her head on my shoulder once and we kissed each other on the cheeks to say goodbye, that kind of greeting is very common here in italy), I'm not hoping impossible thing like the sudden disappearing of Paolo, don't worry
So, don't worry, I'm not planning to do anything bad

[UruseiNeo]

catholic ritual? I never said anything about that... I meant confessed to her

Also, if you really don't wanna say anything you need to remember this:

the mind has two halves, right and left. The left makes most of the decisions and such and is basically your main consciousness, ie when you speak, its ur left brain that is controlling. The right brain will likely try to influence you into doing unethical things or things u don't want to do. Temptation and such is in the right brain. Try to focus without letting your right brain get to you.

I don't think I've said much about my situation for a while so here's my way of catching up:

Not only is this person (I'm gonna keep her name private out of respect) my first... interest? Far be it to call it a crush... cause I've felt like this for 7 years!
hmm... maybe 8 years, I'm debating whether to count the past year or not. Anyways, I don't think I can call her a crush ^_^'

[cata]

I just say my crush is a crush because what else can I say? Love of my life? Person that I'm in love with? Better-half?

Well actually, I'm not in love with her... yet. I'm falling in love with her. I can't take her out of my mind but it's not like the other two people I liked before. The feelings I had for both of them were very intense. The feelings I have for this girl are strong but not as strong as those I had before for other people.

[FallinG_StaR]

I wonder what happen to Tass... LoL

You guys are taking this to seriously... It's almost anime like relations... XD

Love is... like taking a bus... you may miss the first one but there's always another one that comes after... and so on... You don't need to run after it... just wait and you will get your ride to Love City... XD

In 25 years I only remember 3 girlfriends... 2 of them are still on my heart and I regret the end of the relation... and the other one I just remember her because it was realy recent... LoL

And if a girl I like already has a boyfriend it doesn't mean anything to me... I just take my time being friends with her... spend so much time with her... that in the end she spends more time with me than with the actual boyfriend... and its done... she ends everything with the other guy and I get the girl... It's not easy... but I'm a pro at this... XD