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Author Topic: A little help, please?  (Read 3606 times)

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Offline sidzero

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A little help, please?
« on: February 27, 2008, 08:57:08 AM »
I've made a decision. I've been stuck on the scriptwriting my retelling of UY for far too long, so I figured I would get a little input and see if I can't work out what I need to do with the story. First I should probably say a little about what I'm planning to do with the story so some of you guys (whether or not you're agreeing with what I'm doing) can get a better idea of what's going on with it. If you don't want things spoiled for you (not that you all don't already know what the main story is, but it could spoil how I got things planned out), then just skip to the last paragraph everything between the *begin spoilers* and *end spoilers* and get straight to the question. Otherwise, just highlight everything between *begin spoilers* and *end spoilers* and you can read pretty much most of what I've got going on for this story read on (yeah I know it's a lot but you don't HAVE to read it, you know ;)).


*begin spoilers*

First of all, I'm calling it Urusei Yatsura Remix. Part of the whole idea of the thing is that I'm trying to get away from the "gag of the week" format that most of the original UY followed. Another big part of the idea is that I want it to be a little more focused on the drama and action aspects of the story and less on the comedy. No, I'm not trying to make it so serious that it's unfunny. The humor is still gonna be there, but it's going to be a little toned down. Also, no, I'm not going to drag out any action scenes so that they take 5 or 6 chapters to show one action scene that'd take like 4 or 5 minutes in a normal movie or anime, like certain other popular manga out there today (like Bleach and Naruto, especially... I hate that part about them).

One of the things I'm planning on doing with it is making it so that, unlike the original, time actually flows normally, instead of in some kind of infinite time loop where no matter how many years seem to pass, the cast never gets out of their second year of high school. Now, because of this, I have to change a few minor things in regards to story and characters. One of the biggest and most noticeable changes, perhaps, is that instead of the characters starting at some undesignated point in their second year, I've turned back the clocks and made the characters a little younger, and in the september of their first year. There is good reason for this, but I don't want to give EVERYTHING away.

Another big fact that gets changed in my version of the story is WHEN it takes place. Instead of being at some unknown time in the 80s like the original, my version takes place in the not-to-distant future. The reason for THIS, I will say, and it's because of the simple fact of Ataru's birthday. Now, originally, Ataru was born on the 13th of April, which fell on both Butsumetsu and Friday the 13th. Part of the reason I pushed the story into the future is because in recent history, such a coincidence has only happened twice. Once in 1959, and again in 2001 (and it won't happen again until the 2040's sometime). This was a fact I checked and double checked. It created a conflict in the original story. For Ataru to be 17, that means the story would have to have taken place in either 1976 or 2018, but since I made the characters a little younger (Ataru starts out as 15) it would take place in either 1974 or 2016. Considering I don't really want to write it in the 70's, I chose to have it in 2016. Simple, right? This fact doesn't really change much other than very minor things.

Now, before anyone goes crying about how much I'm going to change their favorite characters, I just want to state the fact that the only big thing about the characters that change is their ages. Ataru will still be the same Ataru. Lum will still be the same Lum. Mendo and Shinobu will be the same Mendo and Shinobu, etc. There may be a little more into why they are the way they are, and they may do things slightly differently, but not enough for the change to really matter.

Now, storywise is probably where you'll see the most changes. Because of the way I'm expanding the stories, I've decided it would be best to simply reduce the sheer number of stories. I'm going to keep what I consider to be the best and most important stories to the overall storyline. I'm going to be taking small artistic licenses and adding a little bit to pad out the stories and make them flow together a little better in addition to the fact that the stories are going to be based mostly on the manga (but of course, I'm going to be adding aspects from the anime that I think flush them out a little better, so the anime fans won't be too displeased). Considering I'm taking the first and third chapters of the manga (which add up to the first episode of anime) and my writing has ended up turning into 5 chapters altogether (which is going to be the first story arc), you might understand a bit about why I have to trim it down some. All the major players are staying, but some of the filler stories (at least what seem like filler to me) are gone. IE: You're not gonna be meeting the little buck-toothed devil from the second chapter in my story, or the aliens with the remote control war, nor other useless characters like the pool monster, or the alien spirit-foxes, etc. Now, I'm not cutting out ALL the minor characters. Kaede the ninja girl is still gonna be there, for example. However, I may have to rearrange the stories a little to make the overall flow better. IE: Oyuki is going to be introduced a few chapters earlier, and I want to put off Ten as long as I possibly can (he shows up way too early in the anime, in the manga he doesn't show up until after Ran, and I like it that way). I also want to include a few stories from the anime series that didn't appear in the manga, most notably the whole story of Elle from the first movie (which I think was the best story of all the movies).

Anyway, here's where I tell you what I've got done so far. For starters, I got the whole skeleton of the story structured out all the way up until the first appearance of Mendo (which is pretty far, and as far as I'm going with that until I get a little further in the scripts). As for the scripts (which I need to mention that I'm not really paying attention to how many pages each chapter has, as long as it feels like more than 15 pages, and doesn't drag out to more than 40 pages, I'm ok with the length), I've got the entire first chapter and about 1/3 of the second chapter done. Keeping in mind the fact that the first arc is five chapters, that doesn't really seem like a lot, does it?

The first chapter covers Ataru's day the day before the tag match. It's the day he finds out he's the chosen champion of Earth, and first meets Lum and Cherry. It also establishes his half-assed relationship with Shinobu. The way I've managed to tell the story in the first chapter, in my opinion, is pretty good, as it's pretty much told through a flashback from Ataru's diary (since we all know he keeps one). Now the second chapter covers the whole beginning of the tag match, starting from the first day and going all the way up until the 9th day. I'm going to have this chapter end with Shinobu's marriage proposal to Ataru (great cliffhanger, if you ask me, cause the response isn't until the 3rd chapter). Since the story's going to be based more on the manga than the anime, I've decided to include when Cherry meets with Ataru's parents to discuss why he's got such bad luck (which is going to be a little different than the series of unfortunate events that the manga originally suggests, and will play out much better over the course of the series), as well as Ataru snagging Lum's bikini on the 8th day and her coming to fight with Ataru to try and get it back that night. The third chapter covers the conclusion of Shinobu's marriage proposal, the final day of the tag match and Lum's well known misunderstanding of everything before leaving with her father back to her planet to take care of things, and the last part of it is going to pretty much be an original segment to flesh out the story a little. It's going to tell how Shinobu and Ataru make up after the misunderstanding (it has to be done because it just doesn't seem right to me that they're just suddenly OK with each other at the start of the next story in both the anime AND the manga), and it's going to show how Megane (who is the ONLY of the 4 stormtroopers that I'm bringing into my version of the story, because the stormtroopers didn't last long in the manga, but I think having at least one of them could really help the story at points, and will be needed in some of the stories, and believe me, I have my ways of replacing the missing ones when they're needed) descends into his mad obsession with Lum, and his plotting and scheming a way to bring her back to Earth. The fourth chapter covers pretty much the first half of the Taxi Ride/Oil Crisis story. Megane recruiting some others into helping him kidnap Ataru and try and summon Lum's UFO and it turning out to be the Intergalactic Taxi service. The taxi ride that costs intergalactic funds that Ataru could never pay, and (as a change from the original story, and much more fun in my book) instead of it costing all the oil on Earth, it costs the very earth itself! Of course, Ataru can't pay and now the Intergalactic Taxi Driver's Union has come to take over the world. The chapter ends with Lum making her return appearance. The fifth chapter and final chapter of the first arc is pretty much gonna finish out the Taxi Ride/Oil crisis story with Lum making her offer to pay the fare in exchange for being able to live at the Moroboshi house, Ataru refusing and finally getting his ass kicked until he accepts, and Lum paying it off. To me, the last chapter seemed like it would just be a little too short so I decided I want to add a bit of filler so that it flows into the next story (where he runs away from home to get away from Lum and ends up meeting Sakura), but I haven't quite figured out what and how much to add.

Anyway, that's where I'm at and what's going on. The place I'm stuck right now is in the second chapter. As I said, it tells the tale of the first 9 days of the race. Right now I'm at the end of the first day. What I need is some help coming up with some of the schemes Ataru would try to try and win that tag race before he snags Lum's bra on the 8th day.


*end spoilers*


My question is, if you were Ataru, during the first tag match, and you just found out that your opponent, Lum, could fly. What would you think of if you were trying to come up with ways to beat her. Obviously, just trying to run and catch her wouldn't work. I've got two offhand: the first being one that was featured in the anime... using a jetpack to fly (as we all know, the jetpack ended up exploding before he even got off the ground, and we'll even ignore trying to figure out HOW he managed to get his hands on a jetpack), the second being trying to use a big fishing net to try and hold her down (which also wouldn't work because even if he could catch her with it, it's not like she wouldn't be able to fly with it anyway, and she could either throw it off, or maybe burn it off with her lightning). I need somewhere like 3, 4 or 5 more ideas that Ataru might try when trying to catch Lum during this tag match.

Suggestions?
« Last Edit: January 25, 2009, 01:21:54 PM by Lum-chan »
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Offline UruseiNeo

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Re: A little help, please?
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2008, 04:16:37 PM »
I think you should do what they did in the manga where Ataru caught Lum's bra on I think the 8th day and then Lum came after him during the night to get it back only to find he was wearing it. The race was still won on the 10th day the same way in the anime only he already had the bra.

Also I'm not really sure whether she's allowed to use her lightning during the racing.

Something else he could do is try jumping off a building with a home-made wing set or something like that. He could try a grappling hook to grab her leg or something.

He could try using some sort of blinding ray only to end up blinding himself.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2008, 05:02:29 PM by UruseiNeo »


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Offline DarkDevil

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Re: A little help, please?
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2008, 04:56:30 PM »
I thought it was on the 10th day.
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Offline UruseiNeo

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Re: A little help, please?
« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2008, 05:02:46 PM »
I thought it was on the 10th day.

In the MANGA he got it earlier


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Offline veehive

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Re: A little help, please?
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2008, 12:03:25 AM »
http://anime.plan9.de/anime/manga/Urusei%20Yatsura/urusei_yatsura_wb_vol01_c01_p017.jpg

http://anime.plan9.de/anime/manga/Urusei%20Yatsura/urusei_yatsura_wb_vol01_c01_p018.jpg

(interesting site, by the way ... first 5 volumes of UY, translated into English. A caution: download only ONE page at a time, or it'll cut you off!)
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Offline sidzero

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Re: A little help, please?
« Reply #5 on: February 29, 2008, 12:22:49 AM »
If you read the spoiler section (and I can say this without spoiling anything), I said that my story is based more on the manga than the anime. Catching Lum's bra on the 8th day is definately going to be in there. It was the anime where he didn't get it until the last day, and I thought that was lame because it cut out a lot of good parts.

As far as I know, there's no specific rule AGAINST her using her lightning in the match, but I agree that I don't think it'd be fair for her to use it to attack, all things considered. I think Takahashi-sensei just didn't think of giving her lightning powers until the third chapter in the manga.

A hang-glider idea might not be too bad, but using something like that might be a little big. And why have him use a hang glider if he already uses a jetpack?

As far as a grappling hook, I'd think that could be seen as a weapon and it wouldn't be allowed (nor would Ataru consider anything that could hurt a lady). BUT I did consider him using a lasso... but would anyone actually buy that Ataru would be able to handle a lasso? I personally don't.

As far as a blinding ray of some sort... I don't think Ataru would have access to any alien technology (and I don't think we really have anything like that). But trying to blind her temporarily might be a useful suggestion. He is already known to be able to use some ninja techniques (Body Switch Technique and knowing the pressure points of the body), so maybe he could use smoke bombs, expecting to find her in the smoke, but she ends up just flying up out of the smoke, and he ends up grabbing someone else (I assume from the audience)? That could work pretty well.


Oh, and veehive... screw that site, try this on for size:

Want to read the entire manga (the ILM Translation) online?
http://mirror1.homeunix.com/onlinereading/?path=Urusei%20Yatsura%20Complete/

Want to download the manga (again, the ILM Translation)?
http://mirror1.homeunix.com/manga/index.php?path=Urusei%20Yatsura%20Complete/

That site's much better (and you can download whole chapters instead of page by page).


Anyway, I'm still looking for more suggestions and ideas for schemes Ataru might use during the first tag match to try and win.
Posted on: February 27, 2008, 05:39:54 PM
Alright, after some thinking, I've got some things figured out. I know which days of the tag match I want to depict, and I know what's going on for most of them. You might consider these spoilers, but I don't care too much, there's no point in hiding them considering the whole thread.

Day 1 - Obviously since he doesn't know what Lum is capable of, he's just going to be trying to do it by hand. This is where he finds out (to the surprise of everyone) that Lum can fly. After realizing that there's nothing he can do, he has to figure out some kind of plan to win (and yes, Ataru is capable of such thought, he's not stupid, and he's under pressure... people tend to shine in such situations).

Day 2 - I still need an idea for this day.

Day 3 - I still need an idea for this day.

Day 4 - This day isn't shown.

Day 5 - After spending all his college funds on a JetPack (what use is college if he loses anyway, right?), he tries it out. He ends up losing control of it almost immediately and crashes into a building and the JetPack explodes. Ataru is, of course, immortal, and survives, but is out for the rest of the day's match, ending it early this day due to his injuries.

Day 6 - This day isn't shown.

Day 7 - This day isn't shown.

Day 8 - This day he goes all out with the ninja tricks. He actually has a pretty good plan (in my opinion). He's going to use smoke bombs to try and confuse Lum. Throws them at her feet and they go off and he rushes in to try and catch her, but she flies up out of the smoke cloud so he can't catch her. Later (near the end of the day) he gets smart, noticing she always flies up out of the smoke cloud, he tosses the smoke bombs at her feet again, and expecting where she's going to fly out, catches her feet with a pair of bolas he hid somewhere (hammerspace, I expect). This is how he manages to grab hold of her enough that he "accidentally" grabs her chest (because he's got her anchored in place and can't fly off). She gives the "LET GO PERVERT!" and smacks him off, but he managed to snag her bra. Then she rips the bolas off and flies off.

Day 9 - After the meeting with Lum the night before, he has newfound confidence, and once again tries to catch her barehanded, thinking her reaction speed is going to be cut in half because she has to cover herself with her arms due to the fact that she doesn't have a spare bra. He manages to grab hold of her as she's flying off. Lum is pissed off not paying attention really to where she's flying while he's grabbed on so tight and flies over some houses while trying to knock him off of her. He reaches up for her horns but before he can tag her she punches him so hard it knocks him out. He falls a few feet (which Lum comments on) on top of a house and is unconscious. He gets carted off by the paramedics while people are yelling at him and the day is cut short.

Day 10 - On the last day, inspired by the marriage proposal from Shinobu, he pulls his last card. Using the bra as bait to make her come to him, she grabs it and he tosses her to the ground. He uses the moment of chance to jump at her and manages to grab her horns. He gets excited at winning and shouts victory and about how he's going to get married now... and we all know what happens from there.


Anyway, right now I need some help coming up with ideas that Ataru would try on days 2 and 3. Just these two more little things and I'll have the scripts for the first story arc done in a few days.
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Offline cata

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Re: A little help, please?
« Reply #6 on: February 29, 2008, 12:58:48 AM »
He could use springs for his feet or a human slingshot.

Offline sidzero

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Re: A little help, please?
« Reply #7 on: February 29, 2008, 03:34:13 AM »
I don't know if you read the spoiler section in my first post, but one thing I can say from it without giving too much away is that I'm trying to take it away from the "gag of the week" format that UY originally followed. I'm gonna be leaning it more in the direction of drama and action. Not that I'm trying to make it unfunny, I'm just toning down the humor a little.

Now, the spring shoes and human slingshot are the kind of cartoon conventions I want to get away from. If it's something Wile E. Coyote would try, it's probably not likely to work. Ataru is betting the Earth and his life (because he knows if he fails, the whole world will be out for his blood) on everything he tries. Now, they don't have to be the greatest plans in the world, cause they're obviously doomed to fail, but I want to show him taking it fairly seriously.

It's not that I mean to reject any ideas outright, and I appreciate all the help I can get on this, but I have a certain "vision" for this reinterpretation, and I don't want to break that vision just to fill in a few little holes. I'm stubborn like that. :)
Posted on: February 28, 2008, 06:37:59 PM
Oh, I'd also like to show off a little something. UYRemix logo anyone? Comments and criticisms?

« Last Edit: January 25, 2009, 01:22:32 PM by Lum-chan »
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Offline UruseiNeo

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Re: A little help, please?
« Reply #8 on: February 29, 2008, 03:36:27 AM »
WOW, that's pretty good...

Now I wanna make a logo for my story... I wish I knew where to start though...


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Offline sidzero

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Re: A little help, please?
« Reply #9 on: February 29, 2008, 03:43:43 AM »
Thanks. It's just something I threw together in a few hours with Photoshop a few weeks back. Having a large selection of fonts, a good collection of good filters and over a decade of experience with the program comes in handy now and then. I've also got slightly modified greyscale versions for both light and dark backgrounds for the chapter title pages.
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Offline kyo

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Re: A little help, please?
« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2008, 04:27:43 AM »
Thanks. It's just something I threw together in a few hours with Photoshop a few weeks back. Having a large selection of fonts, a good collection of good filters and over a decade of experience with the program comes in handy now and then. I've also got slightly modified greyscale versions for both light and dark backgrounds for the chapter title pages.
we may need that logo again hang on to it sidzero
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Offline sidzero

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Re: A little help, please?
« Reply #11 on: March 01, 2008, 08:58:26 AM »
We? Why would we need it?  ???
Posted on: February 29, 2008, 09:32:06 PM
By Jove, I think I've got it!

I have finally come up with the answers I seek. Thanks to those who helped. I'll be using this thread for any further help I might need with my story, so stay tuned. Also, if anyone wants to know anything more about it, as long as the answer isn't going to reveal too much, I'll be glad to answer it. Any advice given for later parts and any requests for certain chapters/stories that anyone would like to see included (as long as I can fit them in) will be highly appreciated and considered. I'll also be un-hiding the spoilers from the first post. I think at this point, I don't care if anyone knows what's in there. If I did, I shouldn't have put it there in the first place. :)
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