kyo:
NOTE : I only adding the topic today. The story itself is coming in a day or so. Posted on: March 04, 2008, 08:50:16 PMchapter one: (un)welcome greetings
Planet uru 6:57pm
fornlorn ship beautiful dream was making planetFall. today was the usual routine : Go after baddies, confront baddies, defeat/kill baddies, collect reward. The pay is great... If you can take down the biggest crime lords on the most wanted list. Today fornlorn, went after a Harem master. Harems are legal but this fellow kidnapped his women. Busting him was quite a feat, but It is done and Now fornlorn Has a nice big check coming his way. Usually fornlorn would go home and sleep, but tonight was a very special night. Fornlorn walked to Mr.Invader castle. Mr. Invader and Fornlorn Did not have good history together, so thank Goodness his wife Mrs.Invader was Fornlorn Paymaster. He has to see her After he change from Bounty hunter to gentleman. Fornlorn reach his room inside the castle and change into a black tux than he Examine himself in the mirror. green hair, Horns, fangs, yup he a Oni,Well half Oni anyway. fornlorn was now waiting for his date to Arrive when He heard laughter. seems like Mr. Invader has company over. Kyoto ! Mrs. invader said as she floated in the air with uncertainly. Oh Hello Mrs. Invader, How are you On this Night ? kyo ask With glee in his voice. I'm very happy while very concern she Quickly Answer. "why ma'am are you Concern" ? " I'm concern over the fact that My son-in-law is here."
this mark the end of part one of chapter one... BY the way If you comment on this page please don't call me Kyo, Call me either Kevin,tom. or Kane but not kyo.
The next part going to star Ran... as kyoto date ! Trust me, I konw what I'm doing. ;D
UruseiNeo:
Pretty good, Kevin. Your grammar is so much better than the first chapter I read from the other story.
When someone is speaking, you should try to put " " around their speech to help the flow and make it easier for people to realize someone is talking.
kyo:
--- Quote from: UruseiNeo on March 06, 2008, 12:34:46 AM ---Pretty good, Kyo. Your grammar is so much better than the first chapter I read from the other story.
When someone is speaking, you should try to put " " around their speech to help the flow and make it easier for people to realize someone is talking.
--- End quote --- I keep that in mine, Uruseineo But i was not finish the chapter yet, My computer Broke down and it save the info.
sidzero:
I'd like to throw in some advice myself, to help readability. Actually, I don't know if it's so much giving advice, as pointing out certain rules of English grammar.
1. Paragraphs. Use them wisely. Instead of just running everything into one big block of text, you have an enter key, use it. Paragraphs are usually separated by the fact that each contains a distinct thought, and expansions upon that thought.
2. Dialog. Individual speakers. As a general rule of thumb, when writing dialog, each individual speaker gets a separate paragraph for each block of quotations. Also, except in some cases, it's a good idea to separate where someone is speaking from other paragraphs. Usually when they're not separate, it's because the paragraph is describing actions taken while the quotation is being said, or a general description of the speaker.
3. Verb Tense. Past and present. It's a good idea to indicate a verb tense in your writings, and generally keep them consistent throughout. Keeping this consistent will greatly help readability. Don't use "is" one second, and "was" the next, unless there's a good reason. If you're switching from present to past tense in order to illustrate things that have happened in the past as opposed to what's currently happening in your story, then it's acceptable, otherwise the reader can't get a sense of time.
I've also noticed you have a habit of capitalizing random words. There is no need for this. Capitals should really only be used at the beginning of sentences, at the beginning of a name, or when using "I".
Posted on: March 06, 2008, 04:22:55 PMI'm not going to make a general habit of this, because I do have plenty of other things to do with my time (I have a creative to-do list going, and with all the projects I have running, I really don't have the time or patience to do this often), but I'm going to help you out this one time. Here is a decent edit of what you've written:
Planet Uru, 6:57 PM.
Fornlorn's ship, "Beautiful Dream" was making planetfall. Today was the usual routine: Go after baddies, Confront baddies, Defeat/kill baddies, Collect reward. The pay is great... if you can take down the biggest crime lords on the most wanted list.
Today, Fornlorn went after a Harem master. Harems are legal, but this fellow kidnapped his women. Busting him was quite a feat, but it is done and Now Fornlorn Has a nice big check coming his way. Usually Fornlorn would go home and sleep, but tonight was a very special night.
Fornlorn walked to Mr. Invader's castle. Mr. Invader and Fornlorn did not have good history together, so thank goodness his wife, Mrs. Invader, was Fornlorn paymaster. He has to see her. After he changed from Bounty Hunter to Gentleman, Fornlorn reached his room inside the castle and changed into a black tux, then examined himself in the mirror. Green hair, horns, fangs, yup, he's an Oni. Well, half Oni anyway.
Fornlorn was now waiting for his date to arrive when he heard laughter. Seems like Mr. Invader has company over.
"Kyoto!" Mrs. invader said as she floated in the air with uncertainly.
"Oh, hello Mrs. Invader, how are you on this night?" Kyo asked with glee in his voice.
"I'm very happy while very concerned" she quickly answered.
"Why ma'am, are you concerned?"
"I'm concerned over the fact that my son-in-law is here."
I kept "Fornlorn" because I assume you're using it as a name for this character (though he seems to have a few). But just to note, if you're using the actual word, it's spelled "forlorn". I didn't change it because names can seem like misspellings of regular words, and still be correct.
UruseiNeo:
That was nice of you to do, sidzero ^_^